While driving to pick up my oldest son from his friend’s house after a sleepover, I hear, “You are still on the fastest route.”  It was my GPS.  The statement resonated with me as if the message was from the Divine.  You see as a happily re-married mom of teenagers, it is rare opportunity when I am not persuaded to look through their eyes.  It seems as if everything revolves around them, at least from their perspective.  From the conversations we have (or don’t) to the politeness that they put on effortlessly at just the right moment for an inconvenient request.

I understand that I am not alone as a parent of teenagers; however, it makes the message I heard that day even more potent.  Rarely do I feel as if I’m still on the fastest route.  It was as if God was doing His best to answer my thoughts…  Am I doing right by my children?  Am I doing right by my husband?  Am I doing right by myself?  Am I balancing life to the best of my abilities?

In my previous marriage, I believed in the impotent wisdom that what balances the family as a mother/wife is in making necessary sacrifices to put your husband and children first.  I sacrificed my needs and dreams for them and lovingly became whatever was needed for them to prosper and grow.  Thinking I was doing the best thing for them, I put them ahead of me.

What unfolded for me as I healed from that relationship was a sad truth… I was the one who failed me.  I didn’t love myself the same, care for myself the same and require of myself the same for my needs and dreams to be a part of that balance.  Not first and not last, but together.  Together!  All needs and dreams of our family loved and cared for the same to prosper and grow no one more or less than another.

Together!  “To-get-her”?

I didn’t understand that to-get-her was the missing piece to this balance.  I was the one who stopped loving me the same.  We needed to-get-her.  We need to understand that she is as important, no greater or less, simply as important.

I now do my best to make sure to honor all parts of our blended family the same, yet not to perfection.  I wonder at times how I’m doing as their mom.  Am I demonstrating to our sons that women are as important?  That her needs and dreams are as important?  That her ability to contribute is as important?  That her need for independence is as important?

If it weren’t for both of my relationships, I wouldn’t have this lesson to teach others.  At times, it feels as though it took years of my life to learn this lesson and get to the right balance; however, I know that I wouldn’t have learned this lesson had it not been for those years.

I wonder at times if I’m helping fast enough.  How can we teach our children and our world to understand this fast enough?  She is as needed.  She is as valued.  She is as honored.  Otherwise sustainability is forfeit.

And as I was thinking these thoughts I heard, “You are still on the fastest route.”

~ Toni McGillen

Copyright©2016

I’m not sure where to begin, except to say that I believe this information is critical to the empowerment of women and is uncommonly known.

We live in a time where we boldly empower our sisters and daughters  to become educated, contribute, follow our dreams, stand up to injustices and more.  However, we are not educating ourselves about the most threatening dynamic I’ve seen to securing a future for ourselves as an empowered woman:  divorce

Please understand that I support marriage.  I still do.  In fact, after divorce I found love again and I am happily remarried.  What I don’t support is a collected ignorance of what becoming married means in the legal system if ever a one decides that the marriage is no longer sustainable, and divorce becomes necessary.

Most women are unknowingly ignorant about custodial law, about financial institutions and their primary account holder policies, as well as insurance policy ownership.

We don’t take time to educate ourselves and it is not easy to become educated on this topic.  It is not a fun topic.  It is not openly discussed.  As a bride to be, we believe wholeheartedly that there will never come a time for us to divorce or if so, it will be an amicable one.

So why does one need to seek out this education before becoming married?

The simple truth is we need to educate ourselves before we make these life decisions.  They will impact our possible future, our children’s future and even the future of our parents and/or siblings.  We need to educate ourselves from making decisions that will inhibit our financial ability to move forward, beyond divorce, if it ever becomes necessary.

We also must learn the basic fundamentals about the law and become prudent in how to protect oneself to remain empowered and able to pursue one’s own dreams, regardless of whether remaining happily married or not.

I am sharing this article as a mother who traveled this road herself, not as a legal expert.  Please seek an expert in your county of jurisdiction if you need legal advice.  This article is my attempt to educate and expose certain legal restrictions that still exist in some states.  These legal implications are critical and are not known.  For example, did you know?

1.  One must first live in separate households for a minimum of 6 months before one can even file for divorce.
2. To receive temporary alimony and/or child support, it requires a Pendente Lite hearing, which can take up to 1 year to schedule (after separating households).  This hearing requires an Attorney, a Judge and a Court, and incurring the fees for all.
3. To hire a divorce attorney, it can average $25, 000 just to get started by retaining a good one.
4. If one leaves without their children, they can be sued for abandonment.
5. If one leaves with their children, they can be sued for kidnapping.

Now imagine, the one for whom this divorce has become necessary  no longer has their own access to financial means or substantial self-income.  Imagine they are the primary caregiver for the children; they have no separate place in which to reside; no immediate ability to create significant income and no access to financial means to hire a divorce attorney.

Also imagine, the other spouse has their own income and is the primary account holder on all accounts.  They move their business income to directly deposit into their own private account.   They place a pass code on all joint accounts effectively cutting off the joint holder from all access.  They are the policy owner on all insurance policies.  They can change the beneficiary and have sole access to any cash value ($) in such an account.  They cancel joint credit cards and no longer pay the balance due on the ones the other party holds in their name alone.

The one who deems the divorce necessary can become dangerously trapped, unless they have substantial financial means (non-marital) to provide and pay for their separate residence, living expenses and legal fees to finance the full divorce, until the final Settlement & Custody Agreement is filed with the Court.

In my case, I had the blessing of my mother’s love and her ability to do this.  Several others have not been so blessed.  It is my mission to educate and respectfully share my story to prevent countless mothers from experiencing similar heartache.

I shutter to think what would have become of me and my children had I not had my mother’s love and financial means.

Why do we need to educate ourselves on the legal, financial & insurance policies?

My cautionary tale is what can happen if you don’t!

Toni McGillen

Copyright©2017

In the words of Alexandre Dumas, “All generalizations are dangerous, even this one.”

I am not publicly known. I am not a sports figure, political or entertainment figure. I have no sponsors, no political party and no next gig that I’m looking to land.

I am a happily re-married mom who has a few things I’d like to say here for the rest of us to consider, debate, and question.

I write this for those of us who have no platform in which to speak, we have little ability to influence a larger majority, and yet, we hope and wish that just by capturing what appears to be obvious to us, it may invite others to hear that there is another conversation that is also happening.

One that is quiet, unseen, unheard, and one that can make a difference if we dare to speak it aloud in our communities.

As soon as we use language to describe something, to name it, we generalize it and give it a label; we separate that thing from the whole. It’s an important tool in communication to be able to name something distinct from another. If I need someone to bring me a cup, I need to name what it is that I’d like them to bring to me. It needs a word that helps the person identify what exactly to look for and retrieve. In this case a ‘cup’.

Labels are also given to people. Some that have been given to me are: author, woman, mom, divorced, and American.

I am a woman. I like and support men, yet there are some men whom I’ve met whose character, words, and behavior I find abhorring, and I’ve also experienced the same in women.

I find that not only have I seen examples of harmful predisposition in the another’s label, but I also have experienced harmful biases in my own.

Language can be used to label, but it can also be used to create, to emote, and to bring new ways of seeing or thinking into existence.

When we use labels to create division, to promote prejudice, cruelty and hate, or to bring fear into existence, we are speaking and breeding harmful energy into the world.

When we use labels to create distinctions for better understanding, to announce healing and forgiveness, and to bring love into existence, we are speaking and breeding helpful energy into the world.

The fact that there are those among us who do not understand or comprehend this unseen truth about language and how it can impact our world is dangerous.

Together we are either creating distinctions or divisions in our speaking: helpful energy or harmful energy. All of us have been labeled. All labels fall short of capturing the full essence of an individual.

It is not because of the labels we’ve been given, rather it is in the capacity we have to embrace these labels as a way to distinguish ourselves or divide ourselves that brings forth the impact, and therefore the power of a label.

We have the power to choose to use our labels to distinguish us or to divide us.

All labels have the capacity to speak harmful energy. All labels have the capacity to speak helpful energy. The ability to speak up in the face of harmful speech closes the door on negative energy’s ability to seep and breed into the world. However, the one who is speaking up must do so from helpful energy (healing, forgiveness or love) in order for it to be effective. If the one speaking up also uses harmful energy as their form of communication, then nothing is thwarted and the negative energy cycle continues.

It’s not because I am labeled an author, a woman, a mom, divorced, or American that distinguishes me.

What distinguishes me is how God made me.

Most of us do not have choice over the labels given to us or how others may use them. God made each of us exactly the way we are for our own life’s purpose. He also gave each of us free will.

I invite us to embrace our labels as a part of God’s masterpiece. We are each a work of art, divinely distinguished, and not divided from the whole. It is God’s design and will.

What if the labels you’ve been given are part of His design in order to fulfill on your life’s purpose? Would you represent your labels with pride? Would you speak them aloud to others? Would you challenge your own label’s biases to serve another’s? Would you wear them as a badge of honor? Would you represent yours well?

Toni McGillen

Copyright©2016

While on Spring Break this year, we traveled to Kill Devil Hills, NC.  The place where the world was forever changed in 12 seconds.  The location where Wilbur & Orville Wright took first flight.

In visiting their Memorial it was clear several obstacles were in their way that they would face and eventually overcome.  One was climbing the steep hill, which was mostly sand at that time, and doing so with an aircraft.  We climbed it ourselves on what was now a paved path and I was out of breath as we reached the top.  It gave me first hand understanding of how much harder it must have been for them.  Another obstacle was diligently pursuing this achievement while others in their community perceived this attempt to fly as merely insane.

After 4 long years, they achieved what few believed possible, man would create a machine that would not only take flight, but also carry us on board, and the possibility of a whole new world became inevitable.  The quote on the side of their Memorial states, “Achieved by dauntless resolution and unconquerable faith.”

How many inventions were created by those with this ability to continue to create in the face of uncertainty?

~ Toni McGillen

Copyright©2018

It’s that time of year when we are encouraged to make New Year’s Resolutions.  Take a moment to look into our future and ask ourselves this question… What areas in our life are we willing to commit to do differently, so that by this time next year we will have better results?   There are the typical ones like becoming more active, healthier, less stressed, and less overwhelmed.  Actions that support these resolutions may be joining a gym, starting a diet, saying no more often, and delegating more.

A few years ago, I challenged my clients to consider instead of creating a list of ‘To Dos’, to create a list of ‘To Bes’ as their New Year’s Resolutions.  One example could be:  to be more passionate.  This is something they can generate daily and doesn’t depend on how much they weigh or how many times they went to the gym.  It serves as a reminder to check in with ourselves and set our intention for how we want to show up in life.  By being more passionate, new actions will naturally flow from this place, that we may find are better than what we would have listed for ourselves as a ‘to do’.   This was my challenge then as a new way of creating resolutions.

Today, I find more and more of us are already into this way of thinking.  What would we want to do differently?  How would we want to show up in our lives more?  So this year, I have a different challenge for us… instead of New Year’s Resolutions list, make a New Year’s Blessings list.  How often do we slow down to take note of the things we consider to be our life’s blessings.  How easy is it for us to list the little blessings as much as the big ones?  Do we find ourselves in gratitude when we think about another New Year?

Among my top blessings, I count this website as a way to interact with my readers, making a difference in their lives and the lives of those they touch.  I count my family as a top blessing.  Not only are they a unique squad of fun and variety, but they also have the ability to love one another unconditionally.  Among my little blessings were the Christmas notes I received from my children in 2015.  I share joint custody, so we alternate from year to year.  2015 was Christmas with their dad.  Considering this, my husband had them make me cards, so he could give them to me on Christmas.  They were handmade in their own words wishing me a Merry Christmas.  These cards and my husband’s thoughtfulness and love touched my heart and became the top gift I received that day.

So, what are some of your New Year’s Blessings…?

Toni McGillen

Copyright©2018

I have some very dear friends who are going through life’s inexplicable heartbreaks: loss of a spouse to suicide, loss of a parent/sibling/child, a diagnosis of incurable illnesses (multiple sclerosis, cancer, lyme disease), a near death experience, loss of function (physical/cognitive), loss of marriage, loss of financial security, loss of home and more.

There are times when there is more to say than can be said.  More to share than can be shared.  More to life’s experiences than can be understood.  No one understands this more than the one going through it.  You may feel like the only one.  You may feel like it’s too much.

Toni McGillen

Copyright©2017

It is THE day that celebrates and honors what the persecuted of another land dreamed of and gave their lives for:  dignity of freedom, dignity of liberty, and dignity of citizen’s rights by law (justice).

I hadn’t fully comprehended the treasure of such sacred freedom until I was facing a battle of losing them in divorce.

Imagine if someone you once loved waged a combative battle against you, one that threatens your right to be a parent to your children, your right to choose where & whom you live lifelong with, and your right to rebuild your ability to provide for yourself and your children.

To me, these are among the birth rights of a loving God.  The right to love and be a part of your children’s life.  The right to choose your mate.  The right to provide for yourself and your family.  More so, the right to change paths along the way when it becomes necessary!  I only had the ability to fight such a battle, because of my rights by law.  Without these rights, I would have lost my own independence!

Today, I celebrate Independence Day!

I celebrate all who dreamed of this place.  I celebrate the right of her citizens.  I celebrate the dignity of freedom and liberty.  I celebrate all who still stand for and uphold such a place every day and in every way.

I believe in this place.  I believe she is still right here, albeit hidden from view sometimes.  I believe regardless of the battles she will face, over all she will continue to prevail, even when there is abundant evidence against it.

Why?  Because there will always be those who stand for the highest and best good for all!

Here’s to our land of the free.  Here’s to her citizens and all who honor her.

Wishing each of you a very Happy Independence Day!

Toni McGillen

Copyright©2017

I believe the “three-legged stool” term came about originally to describe the three most common sources of retirement income:  personal savings, employee pensions, and Social Security.

However, I remember having a conversation on an airplane with another divorcee who had an amicable divorce.  This person shared a different use of the three-legged stool terminology.  It had to do with the outcome of divorce and the balance necessary for all involved to heal and move forward:  the care of one parent (1st leg), the care of other parent (2nd leg) and the care of the children (3rd leg).  In order for a divorce to be sound and steady, the suggestion was that all three legs need to be considered and incorporated into the final outcome.  If one of the three legs weren’t cared for (absent), it wouldn’t work, just like the stool.  It can be a great analogy when dealing with a divorce where both parties aim for an amicable divorce.

However, there are times when one parent is being amicable, but the other is not.  In fact, their very intention is to annihilate the amicable parent.    If this is the case with what you may be facing in divorce, I have another three-legged stool analogy that will serve the amicable one.

1st leg – Make sure your children know and understand that no matter what is happening between you and the other parent, they (children) did not do anything to cause it, nor can they do anything to stop it.  Just as they had nothing to do with you two getting married, they equally have nothing to do with you two getting divorced!

Why would they think they have anything to do with you getting a divorce?  They are young.  You must talk about it and set them straight, in loving spoonfuls, otherwise their delusion may become their truth.  It’s as simple as asking them the question, “Did you have anything to do with us getting married?”

2nd leg – (Unless there are egregious circumstances, such as abuse that warrant restriction)  Make sure your children know that they will continue to be able to love both parents and see both parents as they always have.  The schedule may look a bit different, but there will be no restrictions on seeing both parents and loving both of them as they always have.

This one will take time.  Children are very aware.  They may not talk about it so as to protect you (the amicable parent) from the emotions that show up when you begin to talk with them about what it’s like for you.  Do not let this happen too often.  Over time, not all at once, make sure you talk about the other parent.  Make sure that they know that regardless of how you feel about the other parent, or regardless of how the other parent feels about you, you care only that the other parent loves them (children) as much as they always have, and that you support their (children) love of that other parent in return as much as you always have.

3rd leg – Make sure your children know that your relationship with their other parent is separate and distinct from the children’s relationship with them.  Again, in loving spoonfuls, share with them that you have every right to feel the way you feel and behave the way you behave towards the other parent.  Make sure the children know that out of respect for yourself in that relationship, you behave and respond to the other parent in a way that is responsible, necessary and warranted based on the way that person has behaved towards you.  It has no barring on the relationship the children create with the other parent or with you.  Your relationship with your other is yours alone!

(Again, I’m speaking only to those where there isn’t a legally warranted reason for there to be restrictions.)

If you set up these three legs, your children will have the best chance to move through the heartache, the loss and the transition in a way that keeps their spirits in tact.  You both are their parents.  God gave these children to you both.  Neither of you will have the authority over God’s.

“God never commanded you to trust people.  God commanded you to trust Him.  Know the difference.  Your joy and victory will depend on it.” ~ Mike Murdock

Toni McGillen

Copyright©2016

I recently had a surprise visit with my extended family.  It doesn’t happen often that all of us can be together.  It is always a special time.  It also is a rare time to truly catch up on the deeper conversations of our lives.  What is our life truly like?  How are we managing ourselves, our challenges, and our uncertainties?    Our health, our past, our future, our fears, our successes, and our connection to one another in our family.  As sisters, as aunts, as daughters, and more.

Anytime we get together, the overwhelming experience I am left with is abundant gratitude.  I am fortunate that I have a loving family.  One that supports our differences and still loves one another unconditionally.  One that shares wholeheartedly in our desires and dreams of a good life.  We share in and celebrate the successes that each of us have achieved.  We also share and look to heal the losses that each of us have faced.

I was reminded of something that is not common knowledge, but makes a difference for anyone who has healed an unseen wound…  When someone shares an experience that was hurtful or harmful, they may do so in a way that expresses the emotion that is tied to that experience for them.  Such examples may be:  anger, rage, sadness, despair, hopelessness, etc…

I was sharing some specific examples from a past wound in an angry manner.  As I was sharing this, I didn’t dilute my emotional expression of what it was like in my past to have this experience.  I told it like it was.  I was intent on catching my family up on specific details that I hadn’t had the chance of doing so before now.  In doing so, my energy changed.  My voice and volume changed.  My anger was clear and I expressing it fully.

Later the next morning, one of my family members shared that they wish I wasn’t still so angry about this experience.

I was puzzled.  You see, I wasn’t still so angry; however, I was consciously sharing the past experiences in a way that expressed the fullness of the betrayal, including all the emotions that went along with the experience.  Over time, I have learned that sharing things in this manner, without diluting the emotions involved, communicates the situation more effectively.  It also gives an opportunity for the one sharing to let it out and get out these strong emotions.  Doing this can serve both the one expressing and one who is listening from love.

I’m glad that my family can speak candidly.  In hearing this comment about how I was still so angry, it gave me the opportunity to clarify.  I could explain myself, how I was sharing, including my emotions and why.  I could explain that I’m not still so angry, but that as their daughter I need them to know the details & how it was for me, and I wasn’t going to dilute my experience.

It also gave me the great reminder that sometimes when we communicate, we may know what and why we are sharing such experiences, but our audience may not.

For me, it was important to bring my family into the loop on specific things that they still may not have known.  As a daughter shares herself to her loving family.  Not just the joyful times, but also in sharing the downside of life fully, including the harm and the anger, not because it’s still with us, but because anger was the experience at the time.   It was a part of it.  This experience is a part of our life.  It doesn’t have a hold on us, yet it had a part in shaping us into the person we are now.

The fact remains that healing can be provided just by listening to someone share a past experience when they are ready to do so.  Such conversations are typically a gift for all participants.

Toni McGillen

Copyright©2017

I’ve been in search of the next topic to write about for a few weeks now.  I’ve come across several, and have written them down for future writings; however, today was a special one.  It was a day I got to witness a great coach.  We’ll call him Coach K for this post.  He’s the coach of my son’s lacrosse team.  As a mom, I witnessed greatness in leadership and coaching.  We were in freezing rain together, watching our boys play their first game of the season, and I can honestly say after the first 5 minutes, I lost track of the weather and the time.  I was fascinated in what showed up on the field in front of me, not only in our boys, but in the example of Coach K.  I took the time today to write this letter of thanks and I’m sharing it here with you all, to be an example of inspiration for you to write your own acknowledgment letter to a great man in your life.

Please pick just one and pay it forward today!  You’ll never know the difference it can make until you do!

Dear Coach K,

There are few times in life when I have witnessed mastery in person.  Today was one of those days for me watching you coach our boys’ lacrosse team.  I wanted to take a moment to truly thank you for following what is clearly your passion (dare I say purpose) in bringing inspiration to these young men, fellows as you call them.  Whether this is something you already know about yourself or not, I felt compelled to write it down for you to read when you find yourself pondering your purpose in life, as we all do!

Both your presence and your communication as a coach and leader are inspirational and contagious.  You have an uncanny ability to remain steady and focused in the fundamentals and also an ease with which you communicate in short, clear words what exactly is in need of being addressed.  I heard you do it today more than once, but specifically when you reminded yourself that you hadn’t yet covered in practice man-on-man or man-down.  You quickly acknowledged it to yourself, and then looked to see what there was to say and then said it to the players.  It still worked!

Your ability to keep the team emotionally and mentally steady and focused.  There were more than a few times I watched in awe how you swiftly complimented the players as they came off the field, not just ‘good job’, but the specifics of what was good about what they did.  You said, “Way to stay with him.”  “You saw it didn’t you, when he ____, you saw him _____ and then you scored.  That’s exactly how it is done!”

I also watched you use your body to communicate corrections in the way they were holding their stick or in the way you placed your body next to theirs to demonstrate what they could or could not do without drawing a penalty.

Your natural ability to use your words, body and emotional state to convey swiftly the exact corrections needed, so that the players understand both that they are learning, and the specific thing to add that will impact their performance for the better is remarkable.  It shows as they also are eager to come to you to get that exact thing, as they count on you to see what they yet cannot, and therefore you are growing a community of trust and inspired coaching in this group of young men.

Even the way you asked clarification questions, the way you interacted with the referee(s) when they were in the wrong and you spoke up, then immediately focused on what was to be done now, when the time should still have been running and wasn’t.  All these moments were observed, and you showed your unstoppable leadership and acceptance, even when it was clearly in error.  This is what it takes to lead by example.

This is exactly the performance of an outstanding coach.  Your ability to coach in this way is a joy to watch.  It made me ponder how am I coaching my colleagues in their performance at work.  Am I emulating these traits myself?  Are they coming to me to see what’s needed next?  Is my demeanor when I ask clarifying questions such that people want to engage with me?  Am I leading by example?

Something you may not know about me is that I’m a professionally certified life coach.  I’ve seen and coached adults in their profession, much older than you who do not have 30% of what you have already in your ability to lead and coach.  Please know that these traits will translate in other areas of your life, but I pray you know that among your top sweet spots is most definitely lacrosse.  I beg you to continue to pursue it to the fullest degree, as I see you have what it takes to go all the way as a Coach in this sport!

It might not mean as much coming from me, as I’m not a Head Coach of ______ Lacrosse; however, I’ve spent more than 15 years as a professional certified life coach, coaching executives and entrepreneurs, and what I see in YOU is uncommon among leadership, especially among leadership in men.  You are a true representation of being an outstanding example as a man.  Please take this to heart!  It matters that you are showing these young ones your example!  It matters to me as a mom that my son has another great example of a great man in his life!

You have what it takes to go where ever you wish to go in this field!  Remember not to be stopped by circumstances.  God does not call the equipped, He equips the called.  My friend, I believe you have been equipped in this domain of coaching and learning for our boys.  I couldn’t let today pass without sharing with you what I witnessed today and the impact on me as a mother, professional coach, and human being.

Thank you for your inspired leadership!

Thank you for your coaching abilities!

Thank you for choosing to be our Coach!

With great appreciation,

Toni

 

Toni McGillen

Copyright©2016