Greatness has with it both stories of failure and of triumph.  The best and most remembered stories are the ones told by the storyteller who lived the story.

Greatness Requires Cultivation

I have three sisters.  We are a blended family, so all 4 of us were in a 3 year age spread.  Growing up, I could see how these growing women would compare, compete, conflict and combat with one another, especially in our teen years.  I look upon it as a necessary dynamic in those years in order for us to design and develop our own sense of self.  It was necessary to bump up against who the 3 others were or were not, in order to sense in ourselves those qualities that were authentically ours.  Who were we?  Who am I?  There were times I loved them.  There were times I felt like I hated them.  There were times I couldn’t live without them.  Together, this dynamic created in each of us the best possible woman we were meant to become, each of us beautifully different and great in our own way.

Greatness Isn’t Always Great

As a divorcee, there have been times I’ve had to make hard choices on behalf of my children.  One such choice was when I separated.  We had agreed to move back across country for an amicable divorce.  Their dad had previously worked for this same company he was returning to for over a decade which was approximately 1 hour or so away from our neighborhood.  During the time he was relocated across country (both directions), he worked out of town and away from our children for a significant portion of time, weekdays away for months.  So in order to foster amicability and co-parenting with their father, I began to rebuild my life in a place closer to his place of work, so our children would have the chance to see and perhaps do dinner with their dad after he got off of work on weekdays.  I signed my lease, transferred my business licenses and began to build my life anew in this new location.  Seemingly overnight, something their father said he couldn’t do in the 11 years of our marriage up to that point, he was able to do, begin working from home.  This move ended up making me the parent who was now 1 hour away from our children on weekdays.

Greatness Can Be Unseen

Recently, I discovered something about my mom that I did not know.  She was the first female to graduate from the University of Arizona with her Bachelors in Science in Physics.  Wait, what?  I had known she was among the few women in her cohort to graduate with this type of degree at that time, but the first and only female that year?!  I was troubled.  Could the greatness that lies within such pioneering women, be the very thing that has them not acknowledge it aloud to others?  Could it be that as women, we’ve been conditioned to not speak up about our achievements and accolades, under the guise that it would be boastful or conceited?  Or worse, that we are lulled into silence by the inherited discourse of what it means to be lady like, and not share our own achievements.  How are we to celebrate one another and promote our greatness in one another if we do not do it for ourselves?

My Call To Action

Speak about your greatness.  Share your stories of triumph.  Share your stories of failure.  Share your accomplishments.  Share your heartbreaks.  Share about being a daughter, a sister, or a friend.  Share about being a divorcee, a widow, or a parent who has lost a child.  Encourage and allow the same for others to share their stories without judgment!  This is NOT boastful or conceited.  It is something we can do today that can make a difference.

As my beloved husband likes to point out, at the end of all of His creations, God made woman.  Like a magnificent masterpiece, once she was created, nothing was to follow.

Toni McGillen

Copyright©2016

As I’m in the ache of my heartache, tears streaming down my face, my chest tight and my breathing strained, my thoughts wander to writing a letter to you, the one enduring the hardship of divorce.  I know you have made some life choices that at the time you made them were frightening.  Even now, I can look back and reflect on how brave you were to make them, when you couldn’t see beyond the grasp of your hand.  Only now I can confirm, they weren’t just seemingly scary, they were monumental!  You became a fighter and fought hard to hold on with every ounce of courage you could muster.  You exhausted each and every possibility and finally you had to let go and let God create in you what was needed to save your family, your children and your soul, but no longer your marriage.

How dare you!  How dare you give up now, after all you’ve fought long and hard to gain!  Yes, it will add years and pounds to you, but you will gain your freedom.  You will also gain your courage, your voice, your sanity, and ultimately your independence.  You will lose your marriage, your inheritance and the future dreams you thought would come to pass.  You will soon see these were affordable losses compared to what would have been lost otherwise.  Yet you must build once again.  Out of the ashes, use the burning embers to build it yourself, but not by yourself.   Remember God is holding you.

Hold onto the fact that each ache you feel now is only the building blocks of healing, because you are healing.  As you create new dreams, you heal your heart from the fallen future of your past.  How can you believe this is failure?  If you tried to prevent death, are you not doomed?  All that has taken place is an un-repairable rip in your life as you knew it, an unveiling where all your efforts, tears and possibilities were merely a mirage.  This is known as life, not failure.

You are now in the desert of your life.  There is heat and it can get pretty hot in this place.  The temperature will suck you dry if you let it.  You must not let it!  Continue to care for yourself, be aware of your water supply, of the sun, the terrain, the monsoons, and especially your compass.  Trust in yourself alone, the Nomads will be glad to lead you astray.  Focus!  Where are you going?  What are your dreams?  What must still heal?  What do you say to yourself in the quiet moments of longing?  Are you able to really be with yourself or are you running away, wanting to be as far from this desert as you can get?

It is easy to get lost in this place.  You can walk in circles if you lose your compass, and end up right back here.  Now is the time to focus; use your compass, your compassion, and your diligence to move yourself onward.  The horizon will not change for you right away.  Do not be deterred by this fact.  It doesn’t mean you haven’t made strides and traveled quite some distance, although you’ll try to make it mean that at times.  Take the time to look up and see the beautiful sunsets as you journey.  Feel the cool sand beneath you in the moonlight as you rest.  Remind yourself, the heat is only at its hottest once a day.  Remember there is still life in the desert and life is always a gift!

Toni McGillen

Copyright©2016

When you marry, it is the most exciting time of your life.  So many great adventures are happening all at once.  You are in love.  You are planning a day to remember.  You may have dreams; you may have ideas from other weddings that you would like to implement into your own.

While you have every right to celebrate and fantasize about your special day, chances are you rarely take a moment to check in with yourself to make sure you are also taking care to protect yourself and your family.  When I was engaged, the last thing I would want or wish to think about is how do I make sure that no matter what happens, I would be okay.  Isn’t that being negative?  Isn’t that untrusting?  These thoughts were the very thing that would keep me from contemplating how to best care for myself, my family, and my groom in the unlikely event that ‘til death do us part’ not come to fruition.

While on vacation together, my sister asked me a touching question about my divorce.  Were there signs?  Can you please teach my girls, so that this doesn’t happen to them?  It made me stop and think.  Really think.  What had I learned that could make a difference for my nieces?  What would I wish for them to know before becoming a bride?

Here it is for them and for you!  There is no doubt that you have faith and love that this is the one and that this marriage will last, otherwise you wouldn’t have said yes.  Even still you have the right to take a moment, yet also a duty to your family to make sure you are setting the stage for all to be cared for no matter what happens in your marriage.  Once legally married, we become part of the legal system.  This is a system that isn’t taught to us in school.  The insurance, banking, and property decisions ahead are ones that need to be understood.  There is an education that needs to take place about what ‘joint’ can mean.

It is easiest to coordinate decisions and actions when trust and love is high.  As newlyweds you are there, yet look and see how many things are still challenging to decide and act on together just about your wedding day.  Now imagine years from now, if trust and love astonishingly become absent.  What is the likelihood of coordinating decisions and actions together then?

It will become costly not to know the impact that these decisions can have on you.  Most brides will not find this in their wedding planning portfolio, yet it would be beneficial to include the financial understandings of what will come and decisions that will need to be made in the not too distant future.

Property:  cars, homes, titles, deeds, names on title, waiver of ownership

Banking:  checking accounts, saving accounts, primary account holder, joint account holder

Investment accounts:  brokerage accounts, roth IRAs, traditional IRAs, 401Ks, annuities, cash value on a life insurance policy, college fund 529, etc…

Life insurance:  types (term vs variable), policy, owner, insured and beneficiary, cash value, etc…

Inheritance:  pre-marital, marital

Income streams:  single household income, dual income, passive income, dividends, capital gains, etc…

Legal Agreements:  prenuptial, post-nuptial, settlement, custody, etc…

If I go into all of the what if’s here, this would no longer be the blog I meant to write.  I will however go into some basic lessons learned as I was divorcing that are beneficial for every bride and groom to know before marrying.

Property – homes, cars, etc… whether inherited or not, if someone’s name was placed on the title/deed, they too can be deemed owners, unless there was a specific release of ownership signed at the time of issuance.  When purchasing a home together, at settlement, there are ways to designate ownership, waive ownership, including what is to happen to ownership if a spouse dies.

Bank accounts – checking, savings, etc… – the primary account holder holds the authority over the account.  Yes, even if it is a ‘joint’ account.  A spouse can place a pass-code on a joint checking account and effectively shut the other out.  The bank only upholds their policy which is to ask the joint account holder for the pass-code in order to access anything.  As joint account holder, you will not be able to reset the pass-code or anything without the signed permission of the primary account holder.  The primary however, can do most anything without the joint account holder’s signature, including closing the account.

Brokerage accounts –if joint are joint.  Either joint account holder can place a pass-code or revoke a pass-code without the other’s permission/signature.  This account will allow the ability to revoke the pass-code and access your portion of marital funds to transfer into a sole account.

Life Insurance Policies – The Owner of the policy holds all authority, unless the Beneficiary is named as an Irrevocable Beneficiary.  Only then does the Owner need to get permission/signature of the Irrevocable Beneficiary to change the Beneficiary on the policy.  For example, if one spouse is Owner of the policy, and the Insured, but not the Beneficiary.  The Owner is able to change the policy without the other spouse’s permission since the other is neither Owner, nor Irrevocable Beneficiary.  If the policy carries an investment (cash value amount), it will become available to the Owner alone.

Inheritances – Most inherited valuables will be honored in the legal system if the spouse was NOT added to the title/deed, etc…  If you cannot settle the divorce amicably, you may need to go to Court to deem what is marital and what is not for personal property settlements.

Income streams – It would be good to know what amount of income you would need to support yourself through a separation, until a divorce is finalized.  Make sure you have a way to access that type of financial cash flow, whether it is your current income or an investment portfolio to draw from if needed.  In my case, the state law mandated living in separate residences for a minimum of 6 months before being able to file for divorce.  It took another 6 months for the Pendente Lite Hearing to consider awarding temporary alimony or spousal support, which made it 1 year before I received any of my portion of marital funds for support.

Legal Agreements – If you choose to have one or if your spouse asks that you sign one, please take the time to meet with an unbiased lawyer (solo) to educate you on both the benefits and downfalls of the contract you are signing.  It may be worth considering depending upon your specific values & circumstances, especially before choosing to leave an income to stay home with the children.

My hope is to give some encouragement as to the importance of educating yourself, where to start and what details and decisions to consider.  For me to be able to divorce, my family ended up paying for me to set up a separate residence, legal fees, and more, a total financial amount near 10 times the amount of our wedding.  In hindsight, it would have been better for all involved had I taken the time to better understand the decisions I was making and how they impacted my ability to gain access (or not) to my portion of marital funds, assets, and my own inheritance.

I already know you are on a better path than I was, for you now have this information.  I wish you the happiest of days, one that is bright and full of love, with family and friends.    Best and blessings to you on your wedding day.

Toni McGillen

Copyright©2016

I was meeting a long time friend for lunch.  We were catching up with one another and the happenings in our lives for the past decade when she asked, “What do you say to someone of faith when they say to you, ‘But God doesn’t like divorce.  Divorce is a sin.’?”

I am not an advocate for divorce, but I have come to understand that there are times when it is necessary.  My response below is the one I give to someone who has already done the work over time to try and save the marriage.

Honoring God requires you to honor yourself too.  If you have been honoring God and your spouse, but not yourself, this goes against what God wishes for you in marriage.  As a person of faith, I go to Scripture from time to time as the Source, like a tuning fork to tune my spirit (instrument) and true up my wisdom on a specific topic.

On the topic of marriage, I find too often we hear the Scripture about what God wants about a wife submitting to her husband as she would to the Lord, but there is another part of that same Scripture that isn’t equally known.  It contributes to the necessary balance in a faithful marriage…

Ephesians 5:21 – “Submit yourselves to one another because of your reverence for Christ.”

Ephesians 5:25 – “Husbands, love your wives just as Christ loved the church and gave his life for it.”

Ephesians 5:28-29 – “Men ought to love their wives just as they love their own bodies.  A man who loves his wife loves himself.  No one ever hates his own body.  Instead, he feeds it and takes care of it, just as Christ does the church.”

Ephesians 5:33 – “But it also applies to you; every husband must love his wife as himself, and every wife must respect her husband.”

It is stated clearly.  Both wife and husband, with one another are the balance for a faithful marriage.  Does your spouse submit himself to you as you do to him?  Does he love you as Christ loves the church?  Do you love him as the church loves Christ?  Does he love you as he does himself?  Do you respect him as you respect yourself?

The sad truth is that you only have the ability to influence and impact that part which is yours to honor.  If the other spouse chooses not to honor their part, it goes against God’s design for a faithful marriage.  They are ending the marriage by no longer honoring you or God.  It may take time for you to comprehend that you cannot save the marriage with more honoring on your part.  It will not provide the necessary balance, which is only theirs to produce.  You cannot make them.  It is in their heart or it is not.  It then becomes their responsibility, not yours, to save the marriage.  The choice isn’t yours.

It becomes yours to determine for how long you are willing to remain in a faithless marriage.  Do not allow yourself or others to use God’s Word or listen to partial wisdom that only serves as a way to distort and manipulate you and/or the situation.  God has already paid the price for you.  You have ‘free’ will.  You have already been forgiven.  God loves you.  He is with you.  He wants you to to be honored as much as you honor Him.  Consider what God wants for you is to use your own wisdom and faith to discern for yourself.  Now, if your choice was truly free…what would you choose?

The choice IS yours.

Toni McGillen

Copyright©2015

For those who choose to use our voices for something greater than ourselves…

I’ve noticed that the perpetrators of bad behavior who do not take responsibility for their behavior live in a delusion.  They also masterfully spin a web of disbelief for their victims to thwart their desire and courageousness to speak up.  Masking the true culprit from disgrace and aiming that arrow elsewhere.

For my kindred spirits who stand up and speak the truth in the face of such disgrace, discredit and disbelief, you are my companions and my heroes!  May we always remember that evil can only thrive when goodness does nothing.  

Now speak up… even if it is discredited, disgraced or disbelieved.  Only you have the voice to speak what is true, what took place, and what actually transpired.  By saying this aloud, you bring forth the power to be heard by those who have the ability to do something greater, something more than you believe is even possible. ♡

~ Toni McGillen

Copyright©2015

Dear Friend~

I wanted to give you a gift.  Perhaps a little book.  A little book that would support you during this challenging time.  I wasn’t looking for a ‘how to’ book.  I didn’t want a ‘shelf help’ book.  I wouldn’t want a ‘what you need to know about the law’ legal jargon book.  I especially didn’t want a ‘what happens, should happen, and never happens’ book.  I simply wanted a little book.  One that wouldn’t take much time, one that would give you core wisdom to lift your spirits, remind you that you are not alone, and guide you back to yourself and to what’s possible.  A little book that will serve you in creating your own way up this mountain called your divorce.

I couldn’t find one.  So, I took the time to create one myself but not by myself.  My true love and beloved husband helped me along the way.  By my side, he loved, sourced, inspired and supported me in getting my best out on paper.  In doing so, he also took upon himself all the rest, that which wasn’t my best.  The magnitude of what this entailed and the healing it provided to me cannot be capture in words.  I will never be able to fully express my appreciation for his part in this book.  Without him, I know now I wouldn’t have had the strength or ability to retrace my own mountain solo, let alone return safely and intact.

This journey back was the only way to fully glean the wisdom contained in this book.  It required me to once again painfully face dreams that once were, unchangeable miss-steps and their resulting casualties, and the malicious betrayals of those once loved so dearly.  These are best left in the past if not for a greater purpose to save others from similar, unnecessary heartbreak.

Together, side by side, we make this journey to serve those of you who will read this book and find hope, strength and courage.  To voice the truth in 12 myths from my own and others’ similar experiences, from my gifts of observation and tools as a professional life coach, and from my love for all who are courageously willing to dare to keep climbing and to reach the top.  The book is for all kindred spirits who climb similar mountaintops long after my footprints have faded from my own.

Here it is; the little book that may help and guide you in the meantime.  Please read it from the love and support of someone who did her best to fairly create, endure and complete her own steep mountain and reached the top.  Mount Everest would have been easier it seems.  I know first hand how difficult it may be.  There is no map.  What may be the right trail for someone else may not be the right one for you.  What others think is in your best interest may not be what you know in your heart to be in yours.  It can feel very isolating and overwhelming trying to find your own voice in the noise of everyone else’s.

You can do it.  Take heart and keep faith!  This is our gift to you.  May these following meantime myths and prudent principles serve you as a guide, as a North Star, as a compass on your mountain until you reach the top.

“Whoever cannot seek the unforeseen sees nothing for the known way is an impasse.” ~ Heraclitus 475 B.C.

Copyright©2015