I believe the “three-legged stool” term came about originally to describe the three most common sources of retirement income:  personal savings, employee pensions, and Social Security.

However, I remember having a conversation on an airplane with another divorcee who had an amicable divorce.  This person shared a different use of the three-legged stool terminology.  It had to do with the outcome of divorce and the balance necessary for all involved to heal and move forward:  the care of one parent (1st leg), the care of other parent (2nd leg) and the care of the children (3rd leg).  In order for a divorce to be sound and steady, the suggestion was that all three legs need to be considered and incorporated into the final outcome.  If one of the three legs weren’t cared for (absent), it wouldn’t work, just like the stool.  It can be a great analogy when dealing with a divorce where both parties aim for an amicable divorce.

However, there are times when one parent is being amicable, but the other is not.  In fact, their very intention is to annihilate the amicable parent.    If this is the case with what you may be facing in divorce, I have another three-legged stool analogy that will serve the amicable one.

1st leg – Make sure your children know and understand that no matter what is happening between you and the other parent, they (children) did not do anything to cause it, nor can they do anything to stop it.  Just as they had nothing to do with you two getting married, they equally have nothing to do with you two getting divorced!

Why would they think they have anything to do with you getting a divorce?  They are young.  You must talk about it and set them straight, in loving spoonfuls, otherwise their delusion may become their truth.  It’s as simple as asking them the question, “Did you have anything to do with us getting married?”

2nd leg – (Unless there are egregious circumstances, such as abuse that warrant restriction)  Make sure your children know that they will continue to be able to love both parents and see both parents as they always have.  The schedule may look a bit different, but there will be no restrictions on seeing both parents and loving both of them as they always have.

This one will take time.  Children are very aware.  They may not talk about it so as to protect you (the amicable parent) from the emotions that show up when you begin to talk with them about what it’s like for you.  Do not let this happen too often.  Over time, not all at once, make sure you talk about the other parent.  Make sure that they know that regardless of how you feel about the other parent, or regardless of how the other parent feels about you, you care only that the other parent loves them (children) as much as they always have, and that you support their (children) love of that other parent in return as much as you always have.

3rd leg – Make sure your children know that your relationship with their other parent is separate and distinct from the children’s relationship with them.  Again, in loving spoonfuls, share with them that you have every right to feel the way you feel and behave the way you behave towards the other parent.  Make sure the children know that out of respect for yourself in that relationship, you behave and respond to the other parent in a way that is responsible, necessary and warranted based on the way that person has behaved towards you.  It has no barring on the relationship the children create with the other parent or with you.  Your relationship with your other is yours alone!

(Again, I’m speaking only to those where there isn’t a legally warranted reason for there to be restrictions.)

If you set up these three legs, your children will have the best chance to move through the heartache, the loss and the transition in a way that keeps their spirits in tact.  You both are their parents.  God gave these children to you both.  Neither of you will have the authority over God’s.

“God never commanded you to trust people.  God commanded you to trust Him.  Know the difference.  Your joy and victory will depend on it.” ~ Mike Murdock

 

Toni McGillen

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