While driving to pick up my oldest son from his friend’s house after a sleepover, I hear, “You are still on the fastest route.”  It was my GPS.  The statement resonated with me as if the message was from the Divine.  You see as a happily re-married mom of teenagers, it is rare opportunity when I am not persuaded to look through their eyes.  It seems as if everything revolves around them, at least from their perspective.  From the conversations we have (or don’t) to the politeness that they put on effortlessly at just the right moment for an inconvenient request.

I understand that I am not alone as a parent of teenagers; however, it makes the message I heard that day even more potent.  Rarely do I feel as if I’m still on the fastest route.  It was as if God was doing His best to answer my thoughts…  Am I doing right by my children?  Am I doing right by my husband?  Am I doing right by myself?  Am I balancing life to the best of my abilities?

In my previous marriage, I believed in the impotent wisdom that what balances the family as a mother/wife is in making necessary sacrifices to put your husband and children first.  I sacrificed my needs and dreams for them and lovingly became whatever was needed for them to prosper and grow.  Thinking I was doing the best thing for them, I put them ahead of me.

What unfolded for me as I healed from that relationship was a sad truth… I was the one who failed me.  I didn’t love myself the same, care for myself the same and require of myself the same for my needs and dreams to be a part of that balance.  Not first and not last, but together.  Together!  All needs and dreams of our family loved and cared for the same to prosper and grow no one more or less than another.

Together!  “To-get-her”?

I didn’t understand that to-get-her was the missing piece to this balance.  I was the one who stopped loving me the same.  We needed to-get-her.  We need to understand that she is as important, no greater or less, simply as important.

I now do my best to make sure to honor all parts of our blended family the same, yet not to perfection.  I wonder at times how I’m doing as their mom.  Am I demonstrating to our sons that women are as important?  That her needs and dreams are as important?  That her ability to contribute is as important?  That her need for independence is as important?

If it weren’t for both of my relationships, I wouldn’t have this lesson to teach others.  At times, it feels as though it took years of my life to learn this lesson and get to the right balance; however, I know that I wouldn’t have learned this lesson had it not been for those years.

I wonder at times if I’m helping fast enough.  How can we teach our children and our world to understand this fast enough?  She is as needed.  She is as valued.  She is as honored.  Otherwise sustainability is forfeit.

And as I was thinking these thoughts I heard, “You are still on the fastest route.”

~ Toni McGillen

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